This are my new terms and conditions if you want to be my friend or family:
You must address me with the same respect that you would like to be addressed with.
You must understand that I am 30 years old and will not be treated or spoken to as if I were 16.
You must accept the fact that I am my son’s mother. You are not his parent/guardian and therefore will not treat him as such. You will also accept the fact that I have managed to raise him quite well the past ten years and I will continue to do so in the manner in which I see fit. If I decide that he is to have a PB&J and some chips for dinner, goddamnit, he will have a PB&J for dinner and you will deal with it.
You will accept the fact that I will date who I want and you will not make snide remarks about a man that you don’t like simply because you are too close-minded to get to know him.
You will realize that you do not possess the only opinion that matters. Mine does too.
You will not expect me to clean your mess. Ever. If my son and I do not participate in your dinner by eating it, do not expect me to do the dishes afterwards. I clean up after myself and so should you.
You will not talk shit about me when I am not around. I am surprisingly good at finding shit out, and I will find out what you said.
You will not blame me for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong. Guess what? You fuck up too.
You will not make retarded assumptions about what I am thinking or what I am “plotting”, “planning”, or “contriving”. You have absolutely no idea what I am thinking. It’s never as “bad” or “evil” as you hope it would be.
You will realize that I am a person too, and I have emotions. Your words DO hurt. Although I am a forgiving person, I never forget those hurtful words.
You will realize that I do not “make” or “convince” others to do what they do. Never have, never will. When someone happens to feel the same as I do, it does not mean that I made them feel that way.
If you cannot adhere to these terms and conditions, then you need to simply leave me alone. I don’t need hate and maliciousness in my life and neither does my son.
old mother hubbard went to the cupboard
to get her a hit off the bong
but when she got there the cupboard was bare
she wondered where she had gone wrong
so she went to see the chick in the shoe
with all them damn kids she must know what to do
so she talked with the lady about a hookup
but found that she had no hash
but she did have this stuff called shrooms
that would kick her in the ass
so she ate and ate and ate until she could eat no more
and soon she wound up cold in a coma on the floor
Moral of the Story: eat shrooms responsibly
u lie to my face
like i’m some stupid whore
but i’m telling you now
that will happen no more
i did love you more
than you will ever have known
now i see the real you
and my mind has been blown
you say lets just be friends
that i’m a great girl to date
it’s just that you’ve got problems
and it’s the world that you hate
so i pull and i tug
on this line i feel tether
and i hope and i pray
that soon we’ll be together
but i know what you say
when i’m not around to hear it
my question to you is this
how can you possibly bear it?
to lie in your bed at night
cozy and warm and soundly sleeping
while i lie in mine awake
tossing and turning and silently weeping?
Here are a few of the things that really GRIND MY GEARS…..
1. Not being able to sleep because you cant stop coughing long enough to do so..
2. Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the hell would they do that? Some cruel joke?
3. Trying to suppress a sneeze when you have diarrhea. :(
4. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. That’s dumb! What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat?
5. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. You should know, asshole: you pulled me over!
6. Blatantly unprepared gameshow contestants..if you cant swim, dont go on survivor. If you have a weak stomach, stay off fear factor! If you are completely retarded, don’t fake your way onto Jeopardy!
7. Celine Dion….Horse faced bitch
8. Car alarms…the ONLY thing they are good for is finding your vehicle in the wal-mart parking lot…because lets face it…nobody pays attention to them anymore.
9. Low-carb beer drinkers…its not that the beer has too many carbs, its that you drink too much you fat tubby bastards
10. Ray Ramano….Does everyone REALLY love him?? i think not…
11. People who blame others for their short comings…its not ur parents fault that you are the way you are you fairy fucking douche…grow a pair and accept responsibility for yourself and your actions!
12. People who think I have no morals because I don’t believe in God…oh yeah, judging me is the christian thing to do you self righteous bible thumpers!
13. 12 year olds that cut themselves because Mommy won’t buy them something…and the mommy of those kids for not beating that ass! stop sending that emo little fucker to therapy, take his makeup away and tan that ass till he cant sit down…then DARE him to dress like a bitch ONE MORE TIME….
14. douchebags that bring the entire family to a restaurant and make a huge mess at the table….do you do that shit at home assholes?
15. Polka Music….wtf? its like regular music on crack..gives me a headache just thinking about it
16. people who drive 32 in a 45mph zone..and then get mad when the jerk in the honda rice burner whips around you doin 50…speed it up grandma and shit like that wont happen
17. Sad people who try to make it obvious they’re having a bad day. Stop pouting bitch..if i actually cared how your day was going i would have asked you. but i don’t - so stop with the moping, you just look like an idiot
18. Black people who are my age (you know…young!) and are mad at me because my great grandfather owned their great grandfather…sorry…I am sooo sorry that i couldnt tell him that owning people was wrong…as soon as i finish my time machine in the garage, i will go back to the year 1850 and handle that shit…fucking crybabies..
19. When people “borrow” my clothes and I never see those clothes again…JODIE you twat j/k (lmao)
20. The belief that masculinity is supposed to directly subvert femininity and is supposed to be by nature objectifying and dominant. Now lets see how many chauvinists will understand half of what i just said…